A talent for fear
You mean it's a GOOD thing?
It is not uncommon for us to discover that we are experiencing some fear that is interfering with our peace of mind and success. We hate our fear. Fear is like a hot stove: we want to withdraw quickly and stop the pain.
But fear is a TALENT, built on the learning of thousands of generations struggling to survive. The world is full of real dangers and threats against which we must defend and protect ourselves lest we perish before we reach our most important life goals. Fear is smart. I have had some clients who were failing because they were not afraid enough!
Be afraid … be VERY afraid!
We can make an Atlas of Fears (equipped with snappy Latin names) that covers the landscape of the world’s many dangers. The most common human fears include:
Snakes (ophidiophobia)
Spiders (arachnophobia)
Darkness (achluophobia)
Heights (acrophobia)
Unprotected open spaces (agoraphobia)
Tight restricting spaces (claustrophobia)
Strangers (xenophobia)
Blood (hemophobia)
Being alone (autophobia)
Newness/novelty (cainophobia)
Most children and many adults are afraid of most of these real threats, and so these fears are normal. They are highly adaptive as they tend to trigger effective self-protective routines (avoidance of the threat, emotional displays of distress and clinging to protective figures) that increase survival rates. By the mechanism of natural selection, these fears and defensive routines have been favored and genetically transmitted down the generations.
You’re An Expert! 🏅🏆
When I work with someone who is struggling with fear that is interfering with their success and well-being, the first thing I tell them is that they are a FEAR EXPERT. This admittedly odd expression is designed to alleviate the sense of failure that most people have about their fear which our culture tends to view as a weakness or defect (especially for men). The secondary shame from that negative judgment heaped on top of the fear itself can be immobilizing and interfere with creative planning and effective action.
It is important to recognize the intelligence of all our emotions and to appreciate their survival function (even as we may dislike the pain of our so-called “negative” feelings). Once we re-frame fear as a smart talent (gotta survive to thrive), the following ideas can be useful:
Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the ability to manage fear and then do what is needed
Fear should be one instrument in our emotional orchestra but not a soloist or the conductor
Fear is only a problem when it is either too intense or too generalized. Terror or panic (as in PTSD) that overwhelms our ability to remain calm and rational enough to manage life’s challenges is a serious disability. Some fear of strangers can be adaptive, but fear of everybody (social phobia) makes it hard to build the relationships on which our success and well-being depend. Some fear of unfamiliar situations can motivate us to prepare well, but excessive fear of the new will freeze us in place and block our exploration and growth.
Fortunately, there are some highly effective strategies for keeping fear within manageable bounds:
1. The ability to relax can be learned/practiced and then used to “dial down” the physical arousal of fear (galloping heart, sweaty palms, dry mouth etc.)
2. Many fears are triggered (or at least accompanied) by counterproductive and self-defeating thought patterns that can be recognized and then tweaked into more adaptive forms (see Buddhism and Stoicism and their modern reincarnation as “cognitive behavior therapy/CBT”)
3. Throughout human history, we have discovered a variety of mood-altering activities to soothe our fears:
Huddling together (bonding/socializing)
Solo and mutual grooming
Sex (Rx: safe and consentual)
Eating (Rx: “real” food in moderation)
Ingesting mood-altering substances (Rx: caffeine and alcohol in moderation; NO opiates or nicotine unless you want to add a life-long and largely untreatable addiction to your burdens; everything else at your own risk)
Chanting, rocking, drumming, dancing and other repetitive trance-inducing activities (Rx: bliss out!)
Playing games (Rx: focus, do your best, have fun)
We can always try these relatively safe (in moderation) and effective (thousands of years of clinical trials!) remedies for our natural fears. We can be proud that we have inherited the emotional intelligence to recognize that the world is in fact a dangerous place, and then use our cognitive intelligence to keep those fears from interfering with our well-being and success.